i'm really great at talking to guys. *sarcasm*

Let’s discuss something. I’m REALLY great at talking to guys.

By “REALLY great”, I mean I’m terrible at talking to guys.

By “i’m terrible” I mean, its real bad ya’ll.

Real. Bad.

It feels like it’s always a walking bad dream. Not bad like those dreams where you wake up in a cold sweat remembering you forgot to give table 9 their sweet tea. More like one of those bad dreams where you wake up in a cold sweat realizing you forgot to turn off the oven and now you have to go drive down to your job and make sure the building didn’t burn down. And it’s 4 in the morning.

For clarification, yes, I know you’re asking “but you work in the service industry. You serve everyone coffee. Men and Women. You should be great at talking to men and people in general.” To which I would say, yes, true. You’d THINK that I would be good at talking to ANYONE.

I don’t have any problems talking people, as long as there is a counter between myself and the outside world that they belong too. I don’t have a problem talking women, as we can usually find something in common and have that normal womanly banter of “OH EM GEE YAAAAS GIRL, I FEEL THAT.” I don’t usually have a problem talking guys that come up to my counter, because i can just put on that “cool, hippie barista vibe” and go about the conversation. I definitely don’t have a problem talking to the guys that are my friends, that I have some history with and have known for a very very long time. I can be the truest form of myself, oddities, weird humor, and all and not worry about trying to impress them. Because, guess what. DON’T WANNA IMPRESS THEM. WANT THEM TO STAY FAR FAR INTO THE FRIENDZONE. Faaaaaaaaaaaar in that black hole. And never come out of it.

However, if I don’t know a guy, and find them in the least least bit attractive, and if by SOME STRETCH OF THE IMAGINATION they want to engage with me in some delightful exchanges, my entire brain goes into “abort mission” mode. I’m convinced my brain is trying to sabotage me in some way. If I attempt to flirt at all, it comes out as sassy, sarcastic, and awkward, all at once. Throw in the whole, not being able to form words properly, and you’ve got a decent idea and a terrible execution.

With ALL this being said, let me tell you about one of my most recent blunders with talking to the opposite sex. 

Once, an attractive man came in to my workplace. I was talking to this attractive man, while I was working, as one does when they are trying to maintain good customer service. However, in the course of this conversation, I was trying to get some information out of him.

Now I KNOW HOW TERRIBLE THAT SOUNDS. But I promise, the information was vital for any other potential interactions. Let’s list a few reasons why I needed to get this information.

1. This man was very nice on the eyes. 

2. He was very charming. 
3. Some vibes were being put out into the atmosphere.

of what, i'm not here to assume anything. so we will just call them some ole' run of the mill vibes and not label in any particular way.

Being mildly attracted to this very handsome man - I say mildly because this is only the second or third time we have ever interacted - I wanted to be sure we were on the same page with something very important to me before I went swimming in potentially shark infested waters.

Let’s also keep in mind, previous to this interaction, there had been other small talk. Any previous conversation consisted of sarcastic banter with underlying levels of intrigue. Might I add that he started it, and I’m sassy so, there you go. Don’t judge me.

I love Jesus, a lot. I wanted to see where this guy stood in that regard so as not to waste time with my curiosity. I wanted to see where he fell on the “Jesus Spectrum”, if you will. I do this with anyone, usually, that I’m conversing with.

Because of my clear lack of  social skills, I ABSOLUTELY went about this the wrong way. If you know me well at all,Let’s be honest with ourselves and admit that nothing about this is new.

What had happened was………….

This fella at some point, made his way to my counter. I’m pretty sure we were having some gnarly sarcastic banter as per the usual, when he decided to ask me how old I was.

“26”, I told him, confident in my age, but also saddened at the same time. I never thought I’d make it to 26. It feels like yesterday that I was 16 screaming to ‘burnin up’ by the jonas brothers and planning my wedding to the middle brother, Joe.

I digress. What was I talking about? Oh right.

This guy asked me how old I was, I told him. Right.

I decided to ask him the same question.

He told me his age, 33.  He was the same age (that we know of) of Jesus in His last year of ministry. And that’s when it hit me. THAT WAS MY WAY IN TO TALK ABOUT JESUS even if briefly. Nevermind the fact that people were around and about to order coffee, they could listen too.

I mustered up some sort of courage - remember I’m an anxious little bean - and said, with some deeply hidden confidence,

“OH YOU’RE THE SAME AGE JESUS WAS WHEN HE DIED.”

As soon as that sentence exited my mouth, I knew I done messed up A A RON (let the record show that I am merely quoting a popular Key and Peele sketch. I in no way am claiming this as my own. It just fit perfectly). I knew that was the actual DUMBEST THING to ever leave my lips. I knew I had screwed up any other potential interactions with this gentleman.

Or so I thought.

What happened next was nothing short of some sort of miracle. He laughed.

He.

Laughed.

Did anyone hear that (or read that rather)? Is this mic on? Everyone knows how to read, right?

HE LAUGHED AT MY STUPID JOKE.

That laughed was quickly followed by a concerned sigh of realization of what I said,  and answered, “you’re not wrong.” BUT HE FOUND IT FUNNY EVEN STILL. Shockingly he’s still managed to want to engage in conversation with me since. Bless his heart.

To that fella,

I feel like if you’re reading this, you’ve already remembered this moment well. Who wouldn’t? It was a goof of a conversation and a poor attempt at Jesus and humor and i respect you for still finding it hilarious. Hope you enjoyed this re-telling. Thank you, from the bottom of my very awkward yet big heart, for laughing. You deserve a medal. Or a vacation. Or a new barista.

To anyone else reading this,  

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. I’d love to hear any recent, or not recent blunders in conversation. Hit me with them in the comments below. Give me a good laugh or a full body cringe. I’m ready for it.

more things baristas are begging you not do.

helllllllooooo dear friends and loyal readers who i always leave hanging because of my inconsistency. i adore and appreciate every single one of you.
don't ever forget that.

i am so excited to share with you another installment of "thing baristas everywhere are begging you not to do." 

if you are new to this blog, read the first post by clicking anywhere in this sentence.
but in summary, as a barista (it pays my bills ya'll), i felt it necessary to verbalize a written list of proper conduct/ decent human behavior/
normal human social skills

when at a coffee shop.

and also the things we baristas wish you wouldn't do/wish wouldn't happen.

that was a lot of slashes. let us move on.

please do not freak out about tiny changes like a menu redesign. 

just because it looks different doesn't mean anything. 

so don't whine or get scared.

please don't assume the creamer pitcher is broken.

 really, you just don't know how to use it, but that makes me sad since the lever you need to release the cream is RIGHT THERE next to your fingers. 

not all creamer pitchers are a pour and go. 

in fact most aren't. crazy to think, huh?

if the couch seats three or four people, you shouldn't need to sit on top of each other when you are THE ONLY PEOPLE IN THE SHOP.

  i thought i was done dealing with cross pda couples. 

but clearly, i'm not.

 therefore i will stare at you till you get the hint.

when i let you know where to put your dishes, should you ask, i mean it. 

don't come back moments later saying "i don't know what to do with my dishes."

 there are counters, there is a tray outside, did i mention THERE ARE COUNTERS.

do not, i repeat DO NOT,
just hand a barista a wad of change to count out because you don't feel like doing it.
that's a level of lazy that doesn't make sense to even me, A LAZY PERSON.

please,
PLEASE don't give me attitude when you've come to the shop after closing,
AFTER CLOSING,
 pull on the door and it doesn't open.
you need to learn how to read signs.

adding to the after hours, don't give me attitude when i won't let you in AFTER HOURS to let you use the bathroom. i don't know of many places that will open to anyone that has to use a bathroom. its a liability on my end and a safety hazard. you made the choice to go drink too much at the bar down the road, so your bladder issue is a YOU problem.

i may have mentioned this in the last installment, but if you see pastries in the pastry case, you'd better believe those are the only pastries we carry.
what you see is what you get.
we don't just put half of our crap out there.
we may rotate new items in but we can't magically appear with the muffin you want that's not in the case.
we make what we make.
go elsewhere.

and this should be obvious, but the world is full of people who are oblivious but DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES come into my shop THREE MINUTES before closing and ask if you have time to grab a quick drink.
 you are taking advantage of everyone working in that shop and the fact that technically we can't turn you away (though we should be able to because three minutes, that's just wrong).
use your brain and realize that we are about to lock to door in a matter of minutes and we need to clean.
we've almost shut everything down.
  i'm not re-brewing a new pot of coffee for you.
  i'm sorry.
 you should have considered that when you left to get coffee as it's getting dark.
 you should have thought, "maybe i should have a backup plan in case they aren't open." i know that's asking a lot of people these days, but COME ON.

whew. that felt good.
 needed to get that off my chest.
 thanks for reading.
let these be lessons for you on how to be a people in a coffee shop.

again, thank you, friends.
you reading this makes me smile and brings me joy.
comment down below any thoughts, questions, comments, concerns, general "hey how are ya?" or have any workplace horror stories/ things you wish people would understand, i'd love to hear from you. 

k thanks luv yew bai.

13 things baristas everywhere are begging you not to do.

hi friends.

as many of ya'll know, i am a barista.

out of all the jobs i've had (i haven't had many), this has been my favorite. i've truly enjoyed learning the art of traditional coffee, meeting new people, making new friends, and having my co-workers feel like family. i've been very blessed with this job and the opportunities that have risen from it.

however, 
there is one set back about being a barista; it is part of the food and beverage industry.

of course you're thinking, "well DUH caroline. coffee is a beverage. most coffee shops sell food. this is obvious."

i know.

trust me.
i've been in the industry for a hot minute. 

i'm fully aware.

what i mean is that being in the food and beverage industry has it's issues. mainly those issues are with the people that come into the establishment. and sometimes, that's where i've had most of my issues...

which leads me to inform the general public of some guest-to-barista etiquette.

 i have taken the responsibility of compiling a list for those who frequent the coffee houses and shops and chains.

1. please do not start off your sentence with " i want" or "i need".

 especially if i am kind enough to ask you how you are before i ask what you would like. usually i care how people are. i genuinely want to know how your day has been. 

humor me.

also, you do not need coffee unless you're feeling dead to the world and even then manners are so key. and sometimes, you can't always get what you want, the rolling stones remind us of this. even they know this fact of life to be true. sorry to disappoint.

2. please do not make a stink over the fact that we don't have the coffee/ tea you like that particular day. 

it's a crazy thought, but it's possible for that particular brew, flavor, or tea is empty and we need to refill it.
 or we are done for the evening with that option.
or we are just plan out of it.  

but it's also all about cost of food and waste. if we are out, usually we are waiting on a shipment. if it's empty around nine thirty and the shop closes at ten, chances are, for the sake of not wasting valuable product and money, we may not make it again til the following morning. having a tantrum and giving the barista a hard time isn't going to solve any of these issues, it's just going to make us serving you that much harder. 

3. if you come in at the same time every day and are used to seeing the same barista on those days, please do not make the fill in barista scheduled that day feel less then or think they don't know how to make your drink of choice. we have been trained to make you coffee. just because i am not

  your favorite barista 

and cannot start your drink as soon as i see you, does not mean i can't make your drink. 

just be patient. you won't die from having to speak a few extra words.
calm down.

4. do not ask me if we have coffee.

i will never understand this question. you are the one who walked into a coffee shop, what do you think we are going to serve you, grass? no. are your senses off? can you not smell the coffee when you walk in? did you not read the sign before walking inside? do you go about life in complete oblivion? if you ask me this question, expect your drink to magically turn into decaf and slightly sarcastic response. no waking up for you for asking such silly questions. just stop.

5. please read the menu before ordering,

 unless your drink is basic enough, in order to know for sure what you want. 

please read the menu. 

this saves many questions, disappointment, and frustration. it is key to know that not every coffee shop, whether locally owned or a chain, is the same. we may not carry everything that your coffee shop at home has. we may not have coconut milk like the shop up the street has, but i can promise that the non-dairy milk we do have, it's listed on our beautifully drawn chalkboard menu. and that menu took a lot of time and energy.

(this goes along with number five BUT) 

6. please do not assume you can add literally ANYTHING to your drink.

i know places allow very flexible customizations to drinks, especially their smoothies and protein shakes (if they even carry those), but not every place does that. some menus are customizable within reason and some are just what you see on the board. so again, please read the menu or AT LEAST get a general idea of the menu before ordering. everything will go very smoothly after that. and i will do my best to get you the drink you want. 

within reason.

side note, please don't think i'm not willing to answer your question. I AM. however, if it has to do with menu items and is not allergy related, READ THE MENU FIRST, then come order.

also along with menu reading,

7. please make a decision 

or at least have an idea of what you want or narrow down what you would like before you order. do not come to the counter completely undecided ESPECIALLY if there is a long line. you're holding everyone and everything up and it's super awkward for me to stand in front of you silently while you graze through each option.

8. please learn the name of your drink. 

listing random ingredients that we may or may not have is time consuming. 

example- hot chocolate with a shot of espresso are the ingredients of a hot mocha. there is no nee to list them. this is not a different drink. a frappe latte' is not a thing AT ALL. it is, in fact,  two different drinks. one of them being ONLY frozen. the other is typically hot. if you're willing to pay for both, i'll make you both, but combining the two is nearly impossible. you'll end up with a melted, weird drink and your hopes are dreams taken away from you.

9. please wait your turn for your drink. 

be aware of who is around you. no one is too tired to notice that there are other people waiting for their drink before you. if you ordered a small cappuccino, that medium latte i just made is 

not. for. you.  

don't jump the line because you can't pay attention. 

that's rude. 

you are not God's gift to me just for providing your business. 

10. please do not tell me how to make your drink. 

unless you went to barista college in the mountains of italy and have hand picked beans straight from coffee plantations in brazil, let me do my job to provide you the best coffee and experience possible. i promise i know what i'm doing. this is especially true if your used to drinking those "cappuccinos" from the machines in gas stations. i hate to break it to you, but as one who used to frequently consume gas station "cappuccinos", those things are awful for you, and there is no actual coffee in them, rather just caffeine and sugar. if you come in ordering a vanilla cappuccino, you'll get one, just not what you expected only consuming that fake stuff.

11. please do not come into a local shop and order in starbucks lingo. 

now before i go on, i want to make something very clear. this is not a dig at starbucks. i too frequent there. i too have a decent dosage of basic white girl in my system. however, i know when to shut it on and off. if you walk into starbucks, certain phrases and words are fine. in fact, they are encouraged! but those phrases (i.e. the names for their sizes) do not work in a locally owned place. i will, kindly, repeat your order back you in the correct for the environment manner. and do not correct me because in this scenario, the barista is right and the guest is wrong. 

12. please, if you are going to move the furniture around, 

put it back when you are done. 

as baristas, we have many things that are necessary for us to do rearranging the already perfectly placed furniture is not one of them. if you meed to add chairs to a table? 

fine! 

go ahead! 

have a party!

 put them back when your done.
want to move a comfy chair over by the couch because all three of your friends are sitting there and you want to be near them? 

cool stuff bro-ham! 

move that chair! 

fellowship with your friends! 

but put that chair back when your done or so help me, i'll give you decaf.

 if you're on a date and spending some special time with your significant other, 

13. do not do nasty things on my furniture. 

first of all, gross. 

get a room. 

second of all, there are cameras in practically every food establishment, especially one pointed at that couch that your trying to snoodle on.

 we see you. 

we don't want to see you.

 third, have some decency.

 leave that kind of PDA for private. 

no one wants nor needs to see that. 

get out of here with that crap.

man, it feels really good to get that all off my chest. 

like i said before, i love my barista job.

 but i love it even more if people are willing to cooperate. 

are there any baristas out there with pleas for the general public? 

leave them in the comments! i'd love to hear about them!