Monday, May 8, 2017

a post on insecurities.

hi friends.

if you've checked out my "about me" page (and if you haven't you should, and then tell me that you did by posting a comment here or, even better, on the page it self), you've seen my "mission statement" of sorts. but,while you should go check it, i'll post it here for the sake of time and getting to the root of this post:

" "awkwardly caroline" is a blog dedicated to life and all the weirdness it brings. through this space i hope and pray to encourage and entertain through my writings about my lifestyle, my travels (which have slowly become greater in the last couple years, for which i'm thankful), food (i've been experimenting massively in this area, #vegan/#vegetarian), and awkward amounts of honesty."


i'm pretty sure i've got the awkward and entertaining part down to somewhat of a science (or at least i think i do-i'm thoroughly entertained by the things i write most of the time, i ain't even gonna lie to ya.) but this is the time of the blog where i want to share something on my heart.

i had the opportunity about a month ago to share this with a group of young girls a couple of months ago and i want to share it a little farther. but as i sit here trying to collect my thoughts and notes, and i can't seem to get it together.

 #storyofmylife 

however, having shared this once already has done wonders for my mental, emotional, and spiritual state. it's amazing how God brings things up in order to allow you to actually deal with things. i feel as though i have this new found freedom from the things that used to weigh me down.

so........

i want to talk about insecurities and our identity in Christ.
in a ramble, rant kind of way.

i am going to be real and raw with you.

i have/had many insecurities in my lifetime.

*collective gasp*

i know, crazy.

whodathunkit?

(sorry, so much sarcasm.)

but seriously.

 i have many insecurities that i have dealt with in the past or still currently struggle with and am working through by the grace of Jesus.

these things that i have struggled with include, but are not limited to, my physical appearance, my singleness, and the fact that i am 24 (i'll be 25 in September of this year. yikes.) and still haven't finished college and am leading myself to believe that i am not progressing in life or moving forward in adulthood.

basically i don't feel like i have my crap together. 

#adultingfail

most of these things, i've struggled with them internally. i didn't talk about them much in detail, but rather to a certain degree, would end in beating myself up in my own mind about these things and how they needed to be fixed so that i could become "better".

there. i said it.

but admittance is the first step to recovery. 
or so they say. 

i've struggled with the fact that my face is rather lopsided. if i turn my face in one direction, my profile is actually quite nice. but should i turn my head in the other direction, i have a double chin that goes on for about 500 miles. and when you look at me head on, there is this clear, uneven section of skin by my chin.

granted, i'm usually the only one who sees this. 
but some days it bothers me.

while i have this more or less under control now, i used to hardcore struggle with acne.
  please note that my skin is still not perfect and may never be, 
but it is so much better thanks to healthy foods and lots of water.

 my acne used to be so bad that i rarely left the house with out some sort of makeup on, which in itself is not good for one's skin either. in order to cover up these little face demons, i'd pile on layers of makeup in hopes to have something that resembled a clear face. then, reality sets in and the break outs get worse because there is so much crap and so many chemicals on your face, making everything worse.
it's a vicious cycle.
on top of all this, it would take me up to 30 minutes to put everything on and get that "natural" look. 30 minutes for a "natural" look?
get out of here with that witchcraft.
 nobody has time for that.

(i'll do another post in the future about a current face routine and make up that really helps with the breakouts because all of these things are a massive life changer. i promise.)

i am insecure over the fact that i am not a tiny or small girl. not only am i tall for a woman (according to society, but i'm not model tall, rather on the short side of tall), but i am "big boned" as they say. basically i'm tall and somewhat built like a football player, or at least that's how it makes sense to me. i have a good deal of muscle, shockingly, but the number on the scale would never tell you that.

 i have always struggled with my weight- the goal always being that i needed to loose the weight. i've tried numerous diets and mostly all of them were dumb. i have since had a weird relationship with food that i am now slowly figuring out, to my benefit. but food was my enemy, whether because i wanted it all the time or didn't want it at all. this is not to say that i starved my self, but rather my appetite would fluctuate based on reasons.

i don't have a "thigh gap", or whatever the latest, stupid body trend is. i will NEVER have a thigh gap. i have curves. i have thick thighs that rub together when i walk or run and sometimes can even rub holes into my pants. i cannot tell you how many pairs of jeans that i have turned into shorts because of the hole left in them from the wear and tear of my thick thighs and everyday life. the most recent victim, my favorite pair of jeans from old navy that only lasted a month because i wore them so much.

according to the internet (which, lesbihonest here, isn't always as reliable== as we claim), as a 5'9'' 24 year old female, i should be a certain weight. but i've learned that that weight is a ridiculous standard set by people who don't fully understand the facts about the body and the fact that not all people are built the same. let's be real here - if i weighed the amount that i'm suppose to weigh in my age and height bracket, i would not look healthy at all.

my hips are wide. they are what like to call birthing hips- hips that are perfect for birthing babies. however i'm single and know nothing about pushing babies our nor will be  pushing any babies out anytime soon. my hips make it hard to sit on a plane or sometimes even a bus because they like to peek into the next seat and, should there be someone sitting next to me, sometimes makes travel uncomfortable. but really i'm just over reacting and whining. my hips make trying on jeans an interesting situation. while things are beginning to even out

i have been insecure in the fact that i am 24 years old and still single. i've never even gone out on a date. no one has ever asked me. i some times blame this on the fact that i am big and "not pretty" for anyone to like me. that's silly. but i have this standard for beauty in my head because of things like social media and magazines where every woman mentioned is stick skinny and not too tall and proportioned "just right".

i get insecure over the fact that i'm single and that i get lonely. and loneliness isn't a fun thing. i wish i could be in a relationship at this very minute. what i forget is that God's timing is perfect. Ecc3:11

i get insecure over the amount of anxiety that i have. i feel stupid for allowing the anxiety to take over my mind and spill out into my emotions. i fell silly for feeling anxious because scripture talks about the issue with anxiety and how to cure it. (find scripture) and yet some how, recently, i have had a couple anxiety attacks.

i get very insecure about the fact that i am half way through my 20's and i haven't finished college and am currently a full time barista (but don't misunderstand me, there is NOTHING wrong with being a barista. it's a great job!) most people my age have finished school and have started careers. for me, i started college in one major, switched schools and majors two years later, and then changed my major yet again a year later. and here i am, no longer in school and working full time as a barista at a job that's one of the most stressful jobs i've ever had, yet i can't leave it because i won't find a job any where that pays as well as this one.

sometimes i wonder how someone could love me with all of these things. but then i remember the only thing that is even remotely important through all of this.

Jesus loves me despite these things. 
he's made that clear through scripture and with the fact that he died for ME. 

if you are struggling with anything similar or a different thing of your own, 
Jesus loves you despite all those things.

these things are lies that satan puts into our heads to mess with us. i think it's especially easy to get to us as women because we are already already concerned with these things so satan takes the vulnerability and runs with it. but it's also possible that when one get's off track and looses focus, these things come more and more to light because you are not surrounding yourself with Jesus and what His promises say.

these things, the insecurities,  
are lies.

is it good to take care of yourself and your physical body? 
absolutely.
"Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take away the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? MAY IT NEVER BE! Or do you not know that the one who joins himself to a prostitute  is one body with her? For He says, 'THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH.' But the one who joins himself to the Lord is one spirit with Him. Or dod you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you. whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God with your body." (1 corinthians 6:15-17,19-20/ emphasis added.)
john piper said it best in his commentary on this passage of scripture,
"the body is for the Lord! your body has been given to you for one reason: an instrument for glorifying Christ (vs. 20). the way you use your body an the way you take care of your body should communicate that the glory of Christ is all-satisfying."

piper goes on to say that not only is "the body for the Lord, but the Lord for the body". Chrsit cares about our body and He cares how we use our body. he's put a "premium" on how we end up using our body.
 (you can find the entirety of the article on this passage here.)
 so its obvious that our body is not ours, really it's a loan. we've been giving this structure, this vessel, to use for glorifying God. when we tap into the ways of using it well, we are being poor property managers. (me included, i'm also talking to me.)
being healthy and taking care of the temple you have been provided is important, VERY important. but should it become an obsession based on the pictures you see in magazines and on social media and people with good looking features? should you strive for what those things have made to be absolute body perfection?

heck no. 
every body was created differently, there for each body requires a different kind of maintenance (for lack of making bodies sound like cars but you know.)


would it be nice to meet the man or woman of your dreams (i'm all about traditional here), with the intentions of marrying and starting a family and being in ministry together (or whatever you feel you've been called to do, but don't forget that is still your ministry) and living "happily ever after in a dang fairytale?
  (jk jk we all know that's not realistic, that fairytale nonsense)
for sure. 
i know that's my dream eventually.

but should we hate ourselves because no one has expressed interest?
 should you question yourself when you wonder why no one has ever asked you out on a date?
  (this one can be a daily battle, so it requires a daily climbing over the mountain)
noooooooooooo.

in Ecclesiastes 3, Solomon talks about how there is "an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven...." and he then he goes on to list what i visualize as different seasons of life and how God makes everything appropriate and beautiful in it's set time.

we just gotta remember that timing is everything.

it has nothing to do with how we look or why were are still single or WHATEVER it is that we ask ourselves.

and we definitely shouldn't be beating ourselves up because our college careers or whatever went down the toilet compared to our original expectations. that's not going to do any good at all.
that's not to say that you shouldn't try your best in whatever you do.

 "whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord, not man,
knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance.
It is the Lord Christ who, you serve."  colossians 3:23-24        
  dear sister or brother- whoever may end up reading this- whatever job, whatever schooling,whatever you are doing right now, that you know you are suppose to be doing, keep on doing it. do not play the comparison game, as i like to sometimes, with other people's lives. the grass may always been greener on the other side, but that's because we are too busy looking at our neighbors lawn and not tending to our own.

keep on keeping on. do what you know.
what you are doing is of no less importance then someone else, as long as you are being obedient and glorifying God through it.

let's quite beating ourselves up an start glorifying up.

that makes sense right?


anyways, i hope you got something out of this long massive ramble.
leave me a comment of your thoughts.
thanks for reading.
i love you for it. 

5 comments:

Stephanie Pennington said...

Caroline, you are wiser than your years! He is being honored and glorified through your obedience to blog, sharing your insights and your heart. Praying that those who are struggling with the same issues, will also come to believe God's Truth above the enemy's lies. God bless you!

Morgan Colucci said...

You are so loved Caroline. Keep on doing your thing - and sharing your heart/life with these young girls you have influence on. So great! P.s. I love your instastories!

Jessica Lynn said...

You are one of the most beautiful people I have ever met. You radiate positivity and you're always so thoughtful. You're totally right. We've got to let go of those insecurities. The Lord does not want us to suffer those. Every day during lent I prayed for God to take away my insecurities. I wanted to give them up for God. It's hard to put them aside. Keep on keeping on girl. You're amazing!

Cassandra/By His Grace, said...

Oh young but very wise woman praise God for allowing your gift of writing transparently but so spiritually truthful! You and I must come together and talk soon. As I was reading your post, my thoughts were, still working thru some of these insecurities...yes, even at my age...the spirit is willing,but the flesh is weak... I would love to talk with you about helping with Radiance thru social media. I will be reaching out to connect with you soon.

Julie said...

Fantastically authentic...wonderfully vulnerable! Luvvvvv